Mission Impossible: Can the Mother-in-Law & Daughter-in-Law Story Have a Happy Ending

 

 

Let's face it: most rooms will tense up at the very sound of the words 'mother-in-law' & 'daughter-in-law' being used in the same sentence.

It's as if two separate legal systems will come crashing into collision under one roof. Could these two elements ever truly coexist, or would forcing them to live together be similar to demanding Tom and Jerry share a single living space peaceably?

Currently, most people in India think revoking the joint family system is a 'Mission Impossible'. In the last 25 years, we have seen this system once the proud backbone of the Indian society fade almost completely.

I was recently hit by the realization that many things had changed when I witnessed a billboard advertisement for new apartments in Bangalore, with the caption:

"Our Home Before Our Marriage".

It was an advertisement for new apartments targeted to unmarried couples wanting to buy their own independent space before they were even married. This advertisement clearly demonstrates where society is headed.

The Big Split: How We Left the Joint Family Behind

It isn't just average homes that are experiencing the crumbling of the joint family; it's even tearing through the business & farming communities as well. I have seen friends from these environments heartbroken by this firsthand. The community was previously built on the theory of 'Share & Live'. Brothers would literally eat off the same plate & disrespect to elders was never tolerated. The community mentality not only made for successful families but also successful business empires.

While nuclear families undoubtedly have their own perks, how have we become a society that is suddenly so eager to shift from enormous, tight-knit families to small, isolated households? This comes down to a combination of many factors:

Western Individualism:

This is one of the largest factors. Society has begun to become extremely self-centered as individuals care more about their own needs rather than the group.

Media and Entertainment:

Television shows endlessly promote & sensationalize drama in family homes; specifically the daughter-in-law vs. Mother-in-law stereotype, which they abuse constantly.

Changing Workforce:

The industrial revolution coupled with today's corporate sector has brought about many job opportunities in big cities, meaning children have to move away from home for work. The elderly have remained fixed to their hometowns. Thus, this leaves many generations unhappy & feeling guilty.

Shifting Mindsets:

It is clear that the joint family system has evolved since the days of the Vedic period. With women striving for more education, independence, career opportunities & general equality; traditional households have not adapted with their requirements, thereby creating many complications for them.

The Unforeseen Price of the Nuclear Family

While earning all of your own money & living exactly as you please may sound appealing, the current nuclear family set-up carries a huge price tag:

Emotional Divide:

Homes are now becoming physically & emotionally split apart. With grandparents, aunts & uncles no longer around the house, children must spend their days at daycares & preschools being educated & socializing with strangers rather than loved ones at home.

Lack of Support:

With the absence of the built-in support system a joint family offers, the married couples have to cope with major life events on their own. This isolation has led to an alarming increase in anxiety &depression, along with a 400% increase in divorces since the break down of the joint family.

Cultural & Linguistic Loss:

Children living in single, independent homes are losing their mother tongue, cultural customs & deep heritage. When working parents are overworked, festivals become things to be searched up on the Internet rather than cherished memories to share together.

The Formula for a Modern Joint Family

The joint family provides children with empathy, the ability to work as a team & immense flexibility. So how can we bring back the functional joint family in modern society?

By addressing three main 'deal breakers'; SPACE, MONEY & EGO:

The Space Crisis:

Privacy versus Proximity:The only problem with fitting many people together in one small home is that arguments are inevitable. Instead of packing everyone into a small home, all members can contribute finances toward a large piece of land. It can then be split evenly & villas can be constructed according to budget for all. Each villa will belong to each sub-family but on one property. The only suggestion is do not place TVs in each room; encourage members to share a living space or all the efforts will go to waste. Create a common dining area where the family can enjoy their meals together, play games & spend quality time talking.

The Financial Friction: Equity versus fairness. It's often found that those that earn the most do not wish to provide for those who earn less. However, for joint families, there must be an equal financial contribution towards all collective needs (groceries, mortgage/rent, property taxes & entertainment). All sub-families will contribute equally based on the members within their immediate family. Older relatives however; must be funded equally by the whole family & if a widow is present, this needs to be completely covered by the entire group. After contribution into the joint pool, anything else an individual makes is their own.

The Ego Clash: Managing household arguments. It's frustrating when minor arguments between children turn into larger family feuds when the parents are defending their own respective children, thus pushing the battle between adults. This needs to be prevented. When children are having an argument, their direct parents must refrain from interfering. Unbiased members (like aunts, uncles or grandparents) should try & mediate the fight; so that the issue is kept within the small argument between two children & does not expand to be between all the adults.

Conclusion:

One for All, and All for One. All families have different preferences and these guidelines should be customized based on individual needs, but one must not forget the invaluable financial independence, cultural advantages & emotional safety net the modern joint family can offer in contrast to the single independence of the modern nuclear family.

In this fast-paced world, remember one ultimate truth:

Your children will eventually grow up & leave the nest to build their own lives. The person standing by your side at the very end will be your spouse, supported by the family ecosystem you chose to protect.

Let’s change the narrative. "All for one & one for all" isn't an outdated concept it's the ultimate strategy for a peaceful, thriving life. Give it a shot. It is worth it.

To my readers, especially the ladies: What are your thoughts on making a modern joint family work? What boundaries or additions would you make to this blueprint? Let’s discuss in the comments below!

 

This article is by the Author JeevanGopalan: 

Please contribute your useful insights and thoughts/comments. I'll include it in this article, and it will also help me better my writing. This is necessary to motivate me to better my writing.  Also, you must share with others or my efforts would be in vain.

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